NATIONAL
ASSOCIATION
OF
SCHOOL
PSYCHOLOGISTS
by Louise K. Eckman
Penn State University
Self-Control SkilIs for Children
A Handout for Parents
Overview
Normally, children learn self-control as they grow through the preschool and elementary
school years. Learning when to talk and when to be quiet, when to run and when to sit is a big
part of growing up. It is important for children to learn these childhood behavioral lessons--not
to hit peers, not to have tantrums when one cannot get one's way. For some children, these
lessons will come easily. Others may not learn them without help from teachers and parents.
What is self-control? Self-control is a skill that enables the child to suppress undesirable,
inappropriate behaviors and act in socially acceptable ways. It enables him or her to "decide"
how to act and to choose a good course of action. Children are not born with self-control--it is a
learned skill. Two and three-year-old children may hit others or scream when frustrated, but as
the years go by, repeated messages from caring parents convince them to change their
behavior and handle frustration differently.
How do children learn self-control? Many children learn self-control by watching other
children and adults. If they see other, older children handling frustration by saying, "Oh, darn it,"
and trying again, they may slowly begin to tone down their reactions and imitate an admired big
brother or sister. By age 10 or 12, few children are hitting or screaming in response to
frustration. Children are eager to please parents, teachers and peers by behaving in acceptable
ways
However, there are significant numbers of children who do not learn very well by watching
others. They will learn more effectively through direct teaching along with the use of rewards
and consequences. They will need consistent teaching from parents on handling frustration.
This teaching will help them to control their reactions and substitute more effective responses.
Teaching Self-Control
It is important to select age-appropriate goals for the child to whom you wish to teach
self-control. (It will be very helpful if the older children in the family as well as any adults present
have good self-control.) Engage the child's cooperation by discussing goals with him or her.
Encourage him or her to join you in a project to improve behavior in specific ways. Try one simple
goal first, and choose one at which the child is likely to succeed. Later, other goals can be
worked on. Some sample goals for different ages:
not interrupting reducing number of fights with siblings |
going to bed on time not hitting |
starting homework independently coming to dinner on time |
What strategies will work? Once a specific goal has been chosen, a strategy should be
selected which will help the child accomplish his or her goal. The strategy should show the child
what to do instead of reacting in a undesirable way. Some of the following might work:
Take a break: decrease fighting and hitting by encouraging the child to "take a break"--getting
away from a sibling or peer when a fight might begin
Set bedtime or mealtime: being on time for meals or bedtime can be encouraged by agreeing
upon a time for each and reminding the child when the time comes.
Teach and provide attention: not interrupting might be encouraged by showing a child how to watch for a time when others are not talking, so they can get into the conversation; it will be important to give the child plenty of attention so that he or she is not "starved for attention."
Use rewards: The key to success lies in rewarding the child consistently for progress made. You might want to discuss rewards with the child beforehand. Praise and attention are important rewards. Many children consider time alone with a parent an important reward. Without rewards, the plan for change might not succeed. So it is important to get the child's cooperation, make it clear what change is desired, and reward the child promptly when success occurs.
Use self-regulatlon programs: Once the child has experienced some success in achieving self-control, a self-regulation program might be tried. Seif-regulation should be used only when
other self-control goals have been successfully accomplished, and only if the child wants to try
self-regulation. The steps are the same--gain the child's cooperation through discussion
(planning the change), select a goal, select a strategy and plan the reward. With
self-regulation, the parent assists the child with step one--planning for change, and step
four--providing reinforcement/reward. The parent might also want to help the child select
strategies. It is important for parents to be interested and support this process.
Resources for Parents
Colorosa, B. (1994). Kids are worth it: Giving your child the gift of inner discipline. New York: Wm
Morrow.
Dinkmeyer, D. & McKay, G. (1989). Systematic training for effective parenting. Circle Pines, MN:
American Guidance Service.
Joslin, K. (1994). Positive parenting from A to Z. New York: Ballantine Books.
1998 National Association of School Psychologists, 4340 East West Highway, Suite 402, Bethesda MD 20814--301-657-0270.
342
Helping Children at Home and School: Handouts from Your School Psychologist